Friending & letting go

So, I'm thirty years old now. I have made and lost quite a few friends in those years. As you will know from previous posts, I am very attached to my friends and need to speak to them on a very regular basis to stay sane. I totally adore my current friends, one of whom I'm happily married to. But the truth is, I could always do with more.

Being a heavily social type of creature, I enjoy nothing more than a good chat with a friend. Serious heart-to-hearts, long hysterical cackles over coffee, total non-sensical in-jokes. 'Geez, I know!' - type of conversations. I love them. One of the things I enjoy is the longer you've been friends, the less your topics need introducing and the more you remember together. I have friends that I can have breaking out into laughter when I text them just one or two words. That is just so awesome. Shared history is something I hold very dearly.

But the thing I find so hard about friends is letting them go. I have made some wonderful friends in the past, whom I'm no longer in touch with. I miss them, and I think of them regularly. I wonder how they're going. I want to speak to them. I am the type of person who will Google an old friend and then email them in the hopes of getting back in touch and continuing something good. I have done this on several occasions, but quite often, I will get no response. That, I find very hard to deal with. It makes me very insecure. And kind of sad. Why do they not want me in their lives anymore? Especially when it comes to people I have been friends with for a very long time whom have recently shown no interest in maintaining that relationship. There are a few people here in Holland I've been wanting to get in touch with, whom have not responded to my emails and/or texts, but who two years ago came to my wedding. I don't know what to do about that - should I just let them go? It is obvious they have no interest in staying in touch. We were friends for so long, there are so many reasons to keep in touch. But I have to let the past stay the past. I know that. Some things cannot be carried on into the now.  I hear my mother's wise advice in my head to just let them go, enjoy the memories, at least you have those.

I think it might be the feeling of rejection that hurts the most. What has changed between now and two years ago that makes me less wanted as a friend? Where did the love go? It's a bit like being broken up with, isn't it? Does it come from my life-long desire to be liked and loved by all?

When do you give up on someone? When do you let go? When do you start seeming desperate?

I know I used to/can still get very full-on. I am the excited-puppy-dog-type when it comes to making new friends. When I meet some I really like, I feel like bouncing around and wanting to play all the time, to ask them a million questions, to get to know them really well.  And then, should the friend be slightly bad at staying in touch, or decide that maybe they do not want to have the same close friendship as I do, I could get a big clingy. But I have learnt to regulate myself. I think I might have been that type of girl once upon a time that you try to shake at a party, who just keeps talking. I don't know, I hope not - and I am much better now. I know that just because someone's not getting in touch all the time that it doesn't mean they don't think of you. But for a long time, I just couldn't keep a lid on my enthusiasm to make new friends. Traveling was great for that - I met new people every day, got to talk to so many interesting people. But none of those I am still in touch with. Nor any of the friends from my early uni days. Or high school. Just a handful from the 30 years I have been alive.

For a long time, that made me sad. I envy people who have a very busy social life, are invited to everything. I would love to have friends call me up all the time to ask me out for drinks or dinner. I struggle when I try and organise something and people don't come. I have a seriously bad track record when it comes to organising parties, with people just not coming. I put in a lot of effort and time, and hardly anyone has turned up. That has made me cry. It makes me feel like I'm not worth the effort. Surely, in their busy lives, people will still want to make time to see me? I feel life gets in the way. Jobs, kids. But I always seem to find time for my friends.

It's been hard in Australia at times. With no old friends to rely on. It often seemed people already had enough friends and were nice to me, but showed no real interest in becoming friends. I only have one friend in Australia whom I met in my very early years there. And I have already spent more than one third of my life there.

I think the whole losing friends thing has made me even more puppy-dog-wants-to-play-all-the-time with new friends because I keep thinking the relationship might be short lived.  I want to cram all the fun in now while I can. Just in case it doesn't work out. Just in case they will be one of those people I'll be Googling in a few years time hoping they might want me back. I don't like seeming desperate. But I don't want to give up on people either. Geez. I'm so friggn' complicated. Maybe that's the problem.

Anyway, enough about that. I love my friends and I am thankful for the ones I have now. Especially my husband, who happens to absolutely love puppy dogs.

ciao. Thanks for reading. x