Cocktails and heels

Friday morning, fairly overcast, about to eat an early lunch. Yesterday was a good day, like most of my days in Amsterdam. I was very productive at my sister's place once again, though I got so completely absorbed in cleaning the bathroom that I totally forgot that I was meant to meet Renée at Screaming Beans at 11 am and didn't hear my phone as it was on silent - I finally heard it vibrate when I left the bathroom, more than 45 minutes after I was meant to meet her! Shame on me! But we had a lovely lunch and the weather was quite nice once again.

When I got home I vacuumed and washed the floors, which must not have been washed in... well, ever, since my sister doesn't own a mop or anything at all to clean the floors with. I improvised with a kitchen cloth and some multipurpose cleaning product and used my ballet-trained legs to move the cloth over the floorboards. It was really quite fun. It was a bit like dancing. And the floor looks so clean!

I also fixed the door to her apartment as the lock stuck very badly and it was impossible to open with one hand, but not anymore! Fix-it Florence took tools to hand and solved that problem. I don't know where I got my handy-woman genes from, but I really love that I have them. I organised some cupboards, then I sorted the washing, returned some pants for my sister, bought some groceries and readied myself for a night of cocktails with Emily and Phizz. It was a lovely surprise to hear Renée could come and join us after she finished work too! Once again it was a drawn-out process finding something to wear in my sister's wardrobe, I am just so much bigger than she is! She has so many gorgeous outfits, but I just don't fit into them! It was getting very close to the time I had agreed to meet Emily, and I still hadn't found anything, so when I finally found a nice top in size medium instead of a small or extra small, I was very relieved! I do have clothes with me myself, but my outfits are way too boring and sensible for cocktails, and I wanted to dress up. I put on some make up, slipped into my new heels and off I rode...

Until I crossed the bridge in front of the apartment, hit the intersection with the Marnixstraat where they are doing roadworks, couldn't dodge an oncoming cyclist, put my left foot down for balance, which was inside my lovely new very high heel, couldn't actually find any balance on that heel and feel quite hard to the ground! Embarrassing! The lady I was trying to dodge helped me up and was very kind, kept asking how it happened that I fell (I wouldn't have fallen in my sensible sneakers, of course) and I showed her my shoes. Which unfortunately didn't come away from the fall unscathed. I quickly left the scene on foot, trying to look as stable as possible though my knees were shaking from the shock and embarrassment. I hadn't hurt myself much, I noticed a little pain in my left foot, but nothing too bad. I decided to hop back on my bike and ride the last few hundred metres, as I was only meeting her a a few hundred metres from the apartment.

I met Emily and laughed as I almost fell again trying to get off my bike in those heels, and decided I would not ride in them anymore, but take them off when riding. We had a nice burger at the busy Burgermeester burger place on the Elandsgracht, as we didn't want to make the same mistake we made last time, which was drinking cocktails before eating dinner... So after lining our stomachs we made our way back to the Vesper Bar (my heels secure on my transport rack!) where she and I had enjoyed lovely cocktails last time we caught up. The bar was still closed for a private function for another half hour, so we met Phizz on the Haarlemmerdijk. He needed some food so we went to a lovely little pizza place and enjoyed a chat. My foot felt a bit tender, but I could walk and it didn't worry me too much.

Then we met Renée at the bar and we started our first round with some very pretty cocktails, both with and without alcohol, and it was a very fun evening from then on. At the pizza place Emily and I had nagged Phizz into showing us the entire contents from his tool belt and pouch, but he only got halfway before the pizza arrived, so when we conquered a table, we told him we wanted to see the rest. He said we couldn't really be that interested, but honestly we really were. His tool belt is very impressive, and I've seen the most amazing things emerge from his pouch, so our curiosity was enormous.You will not believe the things that man has with him at all times. Let's say that if you needed to escape from a dungeon of a fairytale castle, or break into a bank, you'd want him with you. Or, you know, if you needed a raft built, a shelter erected, or a mythical creature captured and defeated, he's your man. Or if you just need your phone charged. Any phone. Really. Or two phones. Or two phones and an iPad. Or if you need special electronic earplugs for during bomb detonating practice... Or you really need an automatic pencil that extends as you write so you never have to press it to make the tip longer, which also rotates as you write so it's even all the time, he's got one. Never (hardly ever) leaves the house without it. Just so you know.

And then we thought it was only fair that us ladies also shared the contents of our bags, which really was very entertaining. The only things all four of us carry are pens and lip balm. So there. That's what three pretty girls and one charming man have in common in their daily attire! Bet you didn't know that.

It was a lovely night, with lovely cocktails, some of which were on fire (some other people on our table ordered those, and when we saw their reaction from when they had their first sip, we decided they might be a little too strong for us) and some of which had very suggestive names and all of which we enjoyed. The company of course was great, Emily made another great Dinglish joke: "You want to try my drink? Here, prove it!" Because in Dutch to taste is proeven, and "taste it" in Dutch is "proef het". It was another classic Emily Dinglification. My other favourite of course is her dancing in your ducky. Look that one up in the post I wrote the first time she and I went for cocktails with Phizz.

Anyway, it was a fun night, though my foot was getting more and more sore. It wasn't swollen or anything, I was just in an increasing amount of pain. When it came to home time I could barely walk, even with no heels on, so I was quite worried that I had broken it. Which in a way would have been quite ironic considering my sister broke her foot last year by falling off her bike on the Marnixstraat...but not because she was silly enough to think she could ride a bike in stilettos. The problem was that I hadn't thought about the stopping and starting you have to do on a bike, because riding in heels, the actual pedalling, is not at all hard. It's just that they are so friggin' unstable when you have to put your foot down to stop. Anyhow, I felt stupid for having tried it and now I was in pain because of it. You live, you learn, you crash, you burn. Isn't that how the saying goes??

Emily rode home with me to share a cup of tea and I sat down and put my foot up. We chatted for a little while and Em decided that she was too tired (read: tipsy) to ride all the way home, so she stayed the night here. I slept with my foot on a pillow, and I have to say it felt less painful this morning. I can walk without much pain in my foot though it is tender, but unfortunately my leg muscles are also quite stiff from my Hip Hip class wednesday night (and possibly walking more than I ever have in those heels last night), so I currently move as if I'm in my eighties. We had some breakfast and we rode to the Espresso Lab for a morning coffee. We sat on the bench outside and chatting for a while, which was very pleasant. I feel so grateful for being able to see so much of my friends while I'm here, to share some quality time with them. That morning coffee with Em was just so simple but so special at the same time. We've been friends for so long, we've shared so much, we can have such serious and meaningful conversations, but we also just have so much fun, we can be completely crazy and outrageous together. I do not have another friend like her. I love her to bits.

Now I am sitting with my leg up on a pillow, just to give it plenty of rest, though the pain is fairly manageable. I will go out in a little while for a final bike ride through Amsterdam before I head back down south with Phizz tomorrow. I will stop at Two for Joy in the hope the same barista from last week is, there, he was wonderful. I plan to explore a bit of the east side of Amsterdam, which I haven't seen much of. I don't know when I will be back in Amsterdam next, there's still work to do at my mum's but I just love being here so much. However, life in Amsterdam is a lot more expensive than life in Elsendorp, as I am constantly catching up with friends and enjoying coffees and food, but it's so worth it. And one specific friend has been superbly generous, will not let me pay for anything and spoils me all the time with movies and dinners, for which I am truly grateful. I hate knowing that I won't see these friends for a long, long time when I go back to Australia. I don't have friends like these back there, friends that you can catch up with just on a whim and go out for cocktails with. I just don't. I don't really know why.

Anyway, I have just finished my wholemeal cheese sandwich (bruine boterham met kaas) for lunch and will go for a little bike ride. I can't just sit here on the couch with my stupid foot up all afternoon! I'm glad it's not broken, it's probably just sprained. I will look after it and take it easy. You look after yourselves and take it easy too. x

Bounce!

Hi! About an hour ago I finished my very first ever Lyrical Hip Hop class, which I took at the Amsterdam Dance Centre where my sister used to dance before she broke her foot. I really loved it! I watched a few minutes of the jazz class before it, which also looked very awesome. It really made me want to dance more and more and more! When I get back to Australia I am so going back to dancing lots. It's just the best way to work out. If I had been in Elsendorp today I would have gone to the gym and done Sh'Bam and Body Jam with Kevin, but this was even better.

It was quite challenging, though it said beginner/intermediate on the class description, it was most definitely not beginner. There was only six girls and I think we all picked it up pretty quickly so we went pretty fast and pretty hard. There was some floor work which I love, and some throwing yourself around, which I also love. I will have bruises on my knees tomorrow but I love that I will have evidence of my love of dance. Also, there was some serious ab work at the start, which I haven't done in a while, but will feel the presence of tomorrow, too. Woo! I am still buzzing with excitement. Who needs drugs?

Otherwise a good day, helped Phizz with his monthly expense report, spoke to my lovely husband and saw the bruise he got during snowboarding. Well done, honey. Wish I had been there too. Though I love being in Amsterdam. Had another happy bike riding moment, it was suddenly really quite warm today, and when I rode home to eat some dinner and dig through my sister's wardrobe for a dance outfit, I enjoyed that I didn't need to wear my jacket and could smell the trees and the summer air.

Oh, here are some pictures of my bike. I took them today when I was enjoying my morning coffee at Screaming Beans. I love my new rack! Of course I mean my new front transport or baker's rack.

It took me ages to find an outfit to wear to my hip hop class, as my sister happens to be a bit shorter than I am, and she is also quite a bit more petite. So whenever I pulled something out that I thought looked cool, I couldn't wear it because the pants were nearly all too short, and the singlets were all way too tiny and tight. When I would try one on I looked hilarious, like those professional swimmers in their tight tight body swim suits. My shoulders are already quite wide, and in those tiny tops I looked so funny. Luckily I managed a black and white outfit to match my shoes, because, you know, hip hop is also a look, right, like, totally. But yeah, the pants are too short. They should be baggy. They were not, they were a bit tight and a bit short. Competely ruined my look! Hahaha! Just kidding of course. As long as one can dance comfortably, it shouldn't matter what one wears!

Anyhow, it is nearly midnight and despite a cup of sleepy time tea, I still feel quite awake, but know that if I lie in bed, it won't take me long to fall asleep. I should go to bed, as tomorrow night it's cocktail night with my crazy buddies Emily and Phizz. I feel a bout of russian accents coming on. And hopefully Emily will beatbox for us. Emily has found a new cocktail bar, walking distance from my sister's house, which might, just might, perhaps, maybe be able to make a vanilla pie cocktail. We shall see.

Me again!

Howdy. As promised, I am hoping to write regularly again from now on. I am feeling good and happy being here in Amsterdam, riding my newly pimped bike along the canals, kinda knowing my way around now, where to find good coffee, where to buy cute gifts, etc. There was a moment today where I was rattling along the Keizersgracht on my bike, and the carillon of the Westertoren was chiming and clingling and singing a happy tune and I got the biggest smile on my face enjoying where I was and what I was doing. Happy memory for my happy memory bank indeed.

LAst night my sister and I made some nice veggie soup at her place where I'm living this week, after which I did some more home improvement to the apartment, which I cannot help doing when I'm here. I replaced the broken halogen lights in the bathroom (half of them were not working!) and fixed the door handle of the bedroom which was loose, both things bugged me since I first got here. Turns out I can't help but fix things around the house even when I don't have to. I blame my husband and our eternal renovations.

I watched the latest episode of True Blood which was brilliant and then curled up happily under the mozzie net and let Jamie Woon lullaby me to sleep, which he hadn't done for a long time.

Oh, I forgot to mention that Sunday Phizz bought me an Amsterdam MoleskineCity notebook, which I am now filling with my favourite (coffee!) places and memories and thoughts about the city. Rereading this blog will help me remember some more, I'm sure. I've had such a good time in this city. I never knew I'd fall in love with this place the way I have.

Today I enjoyed a nice quiet morning, just did some laundry and rode around town a little, had a beautiful coffee at the Espresso Lab (currently the best coffee in Amsterdam) and browsed some shops before meeting Phizz for lunch at the Bolhoed, which is a nice vegetarian restaurant Phizz likes to eat at. Then I met Sverre at the station and walked around with him for another few hours, enjoyed another coffee at Screaming Beans and some more walking around, before he had to get to Schiphol to fly back to Oslo. Then I met up with Phizz again as we had decided today was the day for Kong Fu Panda 2 in 3D. It was full of awesomeness!

Unfortunately Phizz got a flat tire today on the way to the cinema so we walked back to my sister's place together with our bikes, and he's walked all the way back to his place with his. Luckily it's been quite a pleasant night, not too cold or wet. Hope he got there ok.

I've had some of the leftover soup, corrected the mistakes in yesterday's blog post and am now ready for bed. With Jamie Woon!

Amsterdam revisited

I am in the Westerpark, having lunch with Phizz in the sun. Yes, the sun! We (Well, I and many other Dutchies) sorely missed said burning ball in the sky yesterday, or rather, the last few weeks or so. It's meant to be summer, but yesterday it was rediculously wintery. Same weather here as in Melbourne. And just so incredibly wet!

Today, it's bikes, coffee and sunshine. Sort of sunshine. There's meant to be rain later, but for now it's good.

I've been in Amsterdam since last wednesday, which already seems like ages ago. But I've seen many lovely friends since then and I love it. Wednesday Renée and I stayed at Stella's cute little apartment together after eating pancakes for dinner and going for a very big walk to the Vondelpark in the nice evening air. It was a lovely night, we chatted for hours at night after which I tried to sleep through the buzzing mozzies and their relentless attack on my tasty, tasty blood. Renée is clearly not as tasty as I am as I woke up with 8 bites on me and she woke up with none. We had a nice quiet morning, enjoyed delicious breakfast and coffee at Screaming Beans and took a stroll into town.

After saying goodbye to Renée who had to get to work, I walked to the station to pick up my lovely Norwegian friend Sverre who I hadn't seen since 2008. Sverre and I studied together in Australia back in 2004-2005, and we were good pals, we'd go on little adventures with our friend Simon and drink coffees together. So it was really nice to see him again - we walked into town, had another coffee at Screaming Beans and dropped his bag off at my sister's place where we were staying. We had a nice lunch and wandered all around the 9 streets area (which is basically where my sister lives) and got rained on quite badly in the afternoon but had an overall nice day. Dinner was delicious at Palladio, an Italian restaurant nearby, and afterwards we went to have dessert (wine) at Envy which was amazing. My dessert consisted of many different varieties of vanilla delicacies combined with cherry diliciousosity.

Friday we had an amazing big, organic breakfast at a place called Buffet van Odette and then went to hire a bicycle for Sverre so we could ride around Amsterdam together. I had taken my bike on the train from Elsendorp and it now lives in Amsterdam until I go back to Australia. We had a lovely cycling day, we rode all around the Vondelpark, then had a browse at the shops on de Utrechtse straat and a nice coffee at Two for Joy, a really nice coffee. The barista was super nice and fun, he brought over the milk jug for me to test the heat of the milk and the test the scent, as I had made a big point of asking for warm milk and not hot milk. The Dutch like their milky coffees really hot as they like to chat while drinking and want their coffee to stay warm the whole time. But when you overheat milk (boil it), it loses its sweetness, and the coffee just isn't as nice. Anyway, that coffee was great.

After coffee we rode to the Westerpark and rode around, but then the weather started to turn so we made our way back towards the city to return the bike, and because Sverre was going to get an evening train to Groningen we didn't want to make it too late. As we we stopped at some shops on the way, his phone starting ringing and text messages suddenly kept coming fast and strong. That's how we found out there had been a bomb in Oslo, as friends and family were worried about Sverre, who works for the Norwegian government about 100 metres from the bomb site. We were in shock and amazed at what happened, and the rest of the evening he received many texts and calls. I felt sad and worried about the bomb; two confirmed dead and several wounded in Oslo, not knowing it was only a decoy for the massacre on the island of Utoya. It has shocked me deeply and I am still feeling very unsettled about it all.

We had some nice sushi and then I put Sverre on the train to Groningen, after which I caught up with Stella and Phizz, and Vincent joined us later too. Phizz and I headed home as Stella and Vincent went for dinner - and we watched an awesome French film called Heartbreaker which made me forget my anxiety for a little while.

Saturday I had made a long-booked date with Mary Poppins, my friend Mel, My mum and her friend Christine. But I hadn't remembered to take theatre-going clothes with me, so Phizz suggested we go into town to maybe get something more suitable than jeans and sneakers - though for a musical like Mary Poppins they would have been acceptable attire. But I wanted to dress up, as I hadn't made myself pretty in quite a while. So when I got into the first store, dread struck me as I am not good buying outfits (under pressure, or otherwise) and especially not in a city I don't know. So I called in my emergency stylist: my sister Stella. She met us in no time and told me that an outfit starts with shoes. Then I told her all I had were my sneakers, and that I had asked Mum to bring my boots from home, just in case. But we found some really cute heels which she had lots of cool outfits to wear with, so we took them home and I tried them all on, until I had a very cute but also warm outfit, as the weather was seriously crap. It is so fantastically awesome to have my sister only a phone call away. I am really going to miss having her close when I go back to Australia.

After a nice afternoon with my sister and Phizz, my friend Mel came and picked me up and we drove in the pouring rain to Scheveningen where the musical is being performed. We met Mum and Christine in the lobby of the lovely Kurhaus hotel (where Phizz and I had a fabulous time a month or two ago) and enjoyed a late afternoon tea and some dinner.  It was very nice to be out and to chat with some lovely ladies in the conservatory, while the rain lashed the windows outside and the sea was wild and windswept. We indulged in lovely antipasto platters and then cakes after. The walk across the square to the theater in the pouring rain on five inch stilettos was, however, no piece of cake. I almost fell but luckily Mel was right next to me and I latched onto her just in time while my ankles kept buckling another few steps - I felt really silly as it was very crowded with musical-goers, and I was the only one all dressed up and wearing very unsensible shoes! But I did look very nice.

The musical itself was awesome, I was a bit disappointed a few weeks ago when I realised that the musical would, of course, be in Dutch and I have only ever known and loved it in English. But I was amused and entertained by the translations and it was a very nice evening out altogether. I was home just before midnight, unlike a certain fairytale princess, and thus managed to keep my shoes on while ascending the stairs to Phizz's place.

Sunday was shockingly wintery and miserably rainy, so we planned a movie or three and I met Emily for lunch in town, which was lovely, after which Phizz and I caught Harry Potter in 3D at the cinema. As a Harry Potter fan I have to say I was anticipating the Ron-Hermoine kiss more than the defeat of Voldermort, and I'm sorry to say I found the moment of the kiss a bit awkwardly chosen, but I don't remember if that's how it was in the book or not. Been a few years since I read the HP books, so I think I will re-read all seven of them consecutively when I get back to Australia.

Anyway, after the movie we discovered a fabulous Sushi place around the corner from the cinema and ordered some delicious sushi to take home and snacked on warm Edamame (Japanese salted beans) as we walked through wet and miserable but tourist-ridden Amsterdam. Home we settled on the couch and watched Kong Fu Panda in anticipation of going to see Kong Fu Panda 2 in 3D soon and ate our sushi. Then we ended the evening with a very corny and therefore very amusing movie called Gigli. Movies, Lunch with Emily, and Sushi on the couch made for a very lovely rainy Sunday.

Today is Monday, and we took it quite easy, Phizz hired a bike for a week so we can ride places together, it really is the best way to get around Amsterdam and since the rain is hopefully mostly behind us it should be great to ride bikes everywhere. My bike is currently being fitted with a 'bakkersrek' (baker's rack) at the front, like a lot of Dutch bikes have. I like the look and hopefully it'll be convenient too. I love bikes!

I returned Stella's outfits to her place just now and fixed the hallway light as I was there, and I might see her for dinner tonight or coffee tomorrow, and Sverre might return to Amsterdam tonight or tomorrow as well. I have a cocktail night planned with Emily and Phizz for Thursday, and this weekend Phizz, Mum and myself are driving south to enjoy the countryside and also see some family.

Lots of fun ahead. I will try and write more again. I've missed blogging. See you soon!

warmth

Today the weather wanted me to remember what it's like in Melbourne at the moment. Cold and wet. Thank you weather, I am now aware. Please go back to being summer again. Thanks. (Though the forecast says it'll be like this until mid next week...sniffle.)

But I did have a very warm weekend, not specifically weather wise, though it was quite acceptable for the UK. It was very warm because I spent it with my amazingly loving extended family, who always make me feel warm and fuzzy inside. I saw nearly all of my mother's cousins and their children, who are my second cousins, if I am correct, and their children who are my...I don't know...uhm... they're just cute. And family.

We went to the UK to celebrate my great uncle and aunty's 65th wedding anniversary last Sunday, which was a very fun event. They are an amazingly inspiring couple, both as individuals as well as how much they are still devoted to each other. Their speeches were so loving and moving and it made us all tear up and smile at the same time. Just simply wonderful.

It was fantastic to spend some quality time with my 2nd cousins (from now on known as cousins, as I don't have any full cousins) some of whom I got to know much better this year, mostly the Dutch ones that traveled there for the weekend. The English ones I already knew a bit better. We're all around the same age, well, a few are younger and a few are older, but we all get along so well. I wish I could see them more often. It really makes me want to move closer, like somewhere in Europe, so that I can attend family gatherings like this more regularly, and perhaps even organise them. One of my cousins from the UK has promised to visit Holland before the end of August and I will try and get most of the Dutch cousins together again then.

I hate how my time in Europe is flying faster every day. I don't even want to know the date anymore. I don't want people to ask how long I'm staying anymore. I just want to live slowly every day. Oh, and with a bit more sunshine, please.

One of the things that warmed my weekend was feeling part of a big huggable family. Just having loving uncles around was a nice feeling too. Because here's the thing: I haven't had many loving men in my life. Fatherly types, I mean. You see, unfortunately my granddad on my Mum's side died when I was still very little. And I never really knew my grandparents on my father's side, or any of his family. My sister and I sent my father a father's day card hoping to get back in touch, but he informed us that he no longer has any feelings for us and that we should continue living our happy lives without him since we so obviously do not want him in our lives and haven't wanted him there for the last 30 odd years. Ouch. It's never been an easy relationship, always very strained and loaded with emotion, but this really was a blow to us. He mentioned that the wounds were too deep and he's been hurt too much. Of course, it's all been happy times for us. NOT. Of course we've got the same wounds and pain and it's rubbish that we've been fine without him, or have not wanted him in our lives. We've tried time and time again to have a relationship with him. I've invited him to both my Australian wedding and the Dutch one, neither of which he RSVP-ed to or attended. It's just not happening. I have given up and am moving on. It's breaking our hearts. But I rather have no relationship that one that constantly hurts me.

So despite it being lovely to see my uncles last weekend and getting warm tight hugs from them, it's also been a little torturous. Witnessing them lovingly interacting with their daughters. It always hurts. I do not have a Dad. I used to have a father but now he doesn't even want to be that. So, if you have a Dad, hug him. Appreciate him.

Thankfully, I have a very warm and loving husband who does everything in his power to make up for the lack of a Dad. He tucks me in when the blankets have slipped off me. He gets my warm slippers when it's cold. He even tells Dad jokes! I am very thankful that I do have him.

Anyway. I am going to be ok. I have a mother who's always been as much as a Dad as she possibly could have. She told me I once bought her a father's day gift and card and thanked her for being a father as well as a Mum. I can't remember doing it, but it's true that she has always tried.
I feel sad from time to time, but I think I've given that sadness a place in my life where I can cope with it. It'll never really be fine, but there is no point in letting it drag me down. The only thought that feels like a hand around my throat is thinking of the way I will one day find out that he is gone. A letter? A phone call? Some stranger informing me of the fact he's died sad and lonely is one of the things that I cannot bear to think of. So I rather not. Of course, I still do.

Sorry, I hope you don't feel all depressed now. It's just something I am dealing with right now. Writing helps. Here, let me tell you a lame joke or two that I learnt on the weekend, I was googling Star Wars jokes with the 7 year-old son of my cousin:

Q: How many Sith Lords does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they prefer it a little on the dark side.

Q: How many Star Wars characters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Lots, because many Hans make light work!

Heehee. I do like lame jokes. And I like chocolate. Chocolate makes me happy. Good coffee too. Belly laughs with my friends. Potato chips. Good book in bed while hearing the rain falling on the roof. Snoozing in the hammock on the deck in the warm afternoon sun. I have a whole bank of happiness to fall back upon when I feel sad. Every time I use one of the many amazing handy features of my iPhone or Mac, I feel a little spark of joy. Did you know, that when somebody emails you an invite to a party, with a click you can put in your diary, find the location on google maps and get directions there? Amazing.

I am going to eat some lovely Andijviestamp now (endive bake) with bacon bits and smoked Dutch sausage and my favourite gravy. Wintery food for a wintery day. Then, I am going to boogey my arse off at the gym with Sh'bam and Body Jam, which during the summer are both being taught by Kevin, gym instructor (+comedian) extraordinaire.

Still

Hey Readerlings, it's your friendly neighbourhood rambler at the wheel. It's going to be a bumpy ride. Tune out now if you want something witty and light. Try your luck watching 'Look Around You' if you want something fun. And forgive any typos, I am not going to re-read and edit because I don't have the time right now.

Gosh, now it sounds kind of heavy here, doesn't it? Geez. Sorry. It's just that I haven't written anything for myself if ages and I know I should write about the last two weeks in which I was absent from the bloggesphere, but I don't feel like it. It was a busy time, in which there was not much space for my own thoughts, and it's all coming out now, when I really should be doing other things like the washing and packing for our little trip to the UK tomorrow. Not happening. Need to empty brain first.

It's just that suddenly, the last few days, I'm having a little 30 year-old crisis. Not that the crisis is 30 years old, but you know, the things 30 year-olds worry about. Like: 'What the hell is my life all about and why am I the way I am and where do I want to go and is this all making sense and who is really my friend and who should I spend my time and energy loving and caring for and where is the best place in the world for me and what the hell is money doing in my life making such a big mess and why can't I find the friggin' PAUSE button so I can take a breath and gather my thoughts?' That sort of lighthearted musings.

Didn't sleep well in France at all, but now that I am home I sleep like a baby and I don't particularly want to spend another 4 nights in a hotel, not that I don't want to go to the UK, I am so keen to see my family there, but I just want to be still. Still. Isa.

It felt so right to leave Australia and come here and help my mother and reconnect with my roots, but now I have been here for four months (exactly) and I feel completely torn away from my life there, in a good way, but now I don't know where I want to be. I was so excited about going back to uni, but now I can barely explain what I will be studying next year and I keep thinking that maybe I should be doing something else. But the things I think should be doing are not things that I want to do, they are things that I am good at or what others might enjoy me doing. Those not about me. And my life, in the end, is all about me. Right?

I am so good at caring for others, that I naturally do it. Caring in the sense of providing people with love and care. Especially the kiddies in this world. I obtained an 11-year old French shadow while I was in Les B. She loved me and followed me almost everywhere. I couldn't communicate with her much because my French is so limited, but she still loved me. I attract children. I just do. It doesn't take long for me to connect with them, and to make them feel understood and cared for. I speak kid language, and I am straight with them. I never have to try to understand them, I just know why they do things. It feels natural to interact with them. But you know what? I don't want to do it all the time! But then I feel bad because I am so good at it, and so many kids in this world deserved to be loved and care for and I want to love all of them and make them feel good and loved and happy so we can all hold hands and skip through the tall grass and roll down hills and fall in big giggling heaps of happiness. Every kid deserves that. Scrap that, everyone in the world deserves that.

And it feels a waste not to give the world my talent of loving and caring for kids. But it turns out I need more from life. I need something more. Why? Why can I not just be happy being a nanny? Why do I need more? What's up with my brain and heart and soul that spreading love isn't enough for my own happiness?

I love being here, but this isn't my life. This is where I live only a small part of my life. But it has a big, big, big part of my heart. Being here messes me up so much but I would never stop coming here. I love my Dutch Omafiest (bike) with its green lock clanging against the handlebars when I hobble over cobblestones. But then I also love my beautiful TOBy (Citroën C4) in Australia with its gorgeous leather heated seating and its wonderful wonderful functions. I love my family here, my friends, the food, the down-to-earth-Dutchies, but I also love my husband, my friends, the food, the no-worries-she'll-be-right-Aussies. I cannot give either up. But I cannot be in two places.

Like I said, things are currently muddled in my head. Lack of friend-connections. Haven't spoken to any good friends in a few weeks, been dealt a seriously shit emotional blow that no child (even adults are someone's children) should have to deal with (which I will (maybe) write about another day) and feel like a small flower floating on a very fast flowing stream. I have no control.

Oh, my dear Readlings, I could go on forever. But I need to do washing and eat lunch and send a birthday present to my twinlets back in Australia who've turned 5 today. My big beautiful girls. Spoke to them last night. I miss being part of their life but then I don't at all. Know what I mean?

I gotta go. Sorry for rambling, but you were warned. Lovely friends/vriendjes/vriendinnetjes, I miss you.

It's kind of scary that I am so emotionally unstable here. I really thought I was very strong. I must eat a piece of humble pie (to quote Alex from Jonathan Saffran Foer's Everything is Illuminated. My current book, it's good.). I am a mess and I am sorry. Mostly to myself.

Insomniac has access to Internet. Dangerous.

   It's almost 5 am, at Les B. in France, we are meant to leave in a couple of hours. I've not been sleeping well here, being pestered by insect bites, my ankle is very swollen, a little painful and incredibly itchy, must have been something other than a mozzie. 
Listening to Jamie Woon and trying to get back to sleep, but cannot stop the brain and the itching. Loss of friends and father make my heart ache and at times like this  there is no limit to my melancholy and the world could very well be a figment of my imagination. Haven't spoken to any of my friends for almost two weeks and my emotional and sleep-muddled mind longs for them. I get to a point where I think I could have made them all up. I miss talking to Phizz, hate that I  am not sure exactly where he is, and seeing that Tokyo might get to see when I was hoping to see him. Miss my lovely husband whose birthday it is on Saturday and I won't be there and I feel bad about it. I feel bad about so many things at times like this, my tummy decides that I must be hungry and helps keep me awake, I am sad and itchy and frustrated and annoyed. 
And hungry. I need a cuddle from my favourite man in the whole world, who is at work in his office in Melbourne and     probably eating his ham and cheese sandwich and two carrots for lunch. 
I've been doing so much for others the last few months that I forget what I want for myself and just doing what I think I ought to. But I want to sleep. Right now. I have a big drive ahead and a lot of packing before that. Please God of Sleep,  bless me with unconsciousness.