Monsterous little angels

It's like this, you're thirty, you've been married for a year or two, you're happy, you're working, everything is great. Then people ask you the most ridiculous question: "When are you having children?"
Why on earth do people think I would want to ruin my perfectly happy, quiet, relaxed marriage by adding another person to my household, one that does nothing to help out, and does everything to keep you occupied at all hours of the day? So my answer, has been since I was a teenager, is a very clear "Never!"

And, as most of you know, I know more than most women without children what the reality is when you do have children. Up until two weeks ago, I had eleven children. E -lev-en. All four and under. So there. I have spent the last five years of my life as a nanny, looking after other people's children. YES, I KNOW IT'S DIFFERENT WHEN THEY'RE YOUR OWN. Before I'm ever finished telling people anything about my job, they tell me that. It's different when they're your own. I know that. I know. I have seen it.

(These are 12 of the many amazing children I've looked after)

'My' eleven kids (maybe with the exception of my 3 little babies) are all perfect little angels for me, most of the time. Then when Mum gets home, it all goes to shit. They cry, they whinge, they behave appallingly. It's a nightmare being a mum and coming home to that! You want your kids to happily jump into your arms and give you cuddles, not throw tantrums only to be told by the nanny that they've been perfectly behaved all day! Being a nanny is easy - compared to being a mum. The children I've looked after have always listened to me, been obedient, well behaved, cute, and adorable. They've done things for me that they won't do for their parents. My big twin girls (gorgeous things, they were flower girls at our wedding) would never let their Mum or Dad brush their hair, but for me it's never been a problem. Kids might behave like they're sick or unwell in the morning (it's a trick! It makes parents feel bad about leaving) but the moment Mum has left the house, it's all fun and games and what are we doing now, Florence?

Children are intelligent little things. They are smart. I can't stand people who talk to children as if they're stupid, because they are anything but. They haven't experienced much yet, so that's why they don't know things, not because they're stupid. And they're constantly busy gaining knowledge - why this? why that? why? why? They're always into everything, your pockets, your bag, the cupboards, looking for stuff, wanting to know everything. Nosy little things they are. It got a bit much for me in the end, the constant questions, the endless nosiness.

I am an extremely patient person when it comes to kids. I can repeat myself a million times (please sit down on your chair, I don't want you to fall off) (don't talk with your mouth full, please, I can't hear what you're saying) (can you please talk one at a time?) (less talking, more eating) (less giggling, more eating) (less singing, more eating) (please sit down and put your seatbelt on) (please don't stand on my feet, I am not a stool) (please don't hang off my arms, I am not a jungle gym) (etc.) (x1000000000) But after 5 years, I'm a bit over repeating myself.
I have never yelled at a kid in anger, maybe in fear of them getting hurt (DON'T JUMP OFF THAT!!!) but I don't need to raise my voice. I just need to change my tone and give them my look.  Oh yes, I have a look. It's very serious and it works very well.

But I know, I know, kids are and endless source of joy and laughter. They are sincerely genuinely caring, without a hidden agenda. They don't lie about their feelings. They love you, unconditionally. If you love them, if you give them time and attention, and boundaries, they will love you. It's a fact. I have more kiddie-love under my belt that most people my age. They give awesome cuddles. (Sometimes snotty/drooly/cough-in-your-face kinds of cuddles, but you don't mind.) They are hilarious. They all enjoy making you laugh, for no other reason than that they want to make you happy. It's all they want.

And a sleeping child is the most beautiful thing in the world. I've always wanted to write a poem with the title 'House with sleeping children' but I never wrote it, because it is a poem in itself. A house with sleeping children feels wonderful, warm, safe. It is a miraculous thing.

And the truth is, my view on kids is quite limited. I have always worked with kids 5 and under. Littlies, who need lots and lots of attention. I know children aren't like that all their lives. They aren't always, noisy, nosy, intrusive, demanding little things. They grow out of it.

But for now, I need to grow out of my job. Then I might reconsider.