But I did have a very warm weekend, not specifically weather wise, though it was quite acceptable for the UK. It was very warm because I spent it with my amazingly loving extended family, who always make me feel warm and fuzzy inside. I saw nearly all of my mother's cousins and their children, who are my second cousins, if I am correct, and their children who are my...I don't know...uhm... they're just cute. And family.
We went to the UK to celebrate my great uncle and aunty's 65th wedding anniversary last Sunday, which was a very fun event. They are an amazingly inspiring couple, both as individuals as well as how much they are still devoted to each other. Their speeches were so loving and moving and it made us all tear up and smile at the same time. Just simply wonderful.
It was fantastic to spend some quality time with my 2nd cousins (from now on known as cousins, as I don't have any full cousins) some of whom I got to know much better this year, mostly the Dutch ones that traveled there for the weekend. The English ones I already knew a bit better. We're all around the same age, well, a few are younger and a few are older, but we all get along so well. I wish I could see them more often. It really makes me want to move closer, like somewhere in Europe, so that I can attend family gatherings like this more regularly, and perhaps even organise them. One of my cousins from the UK has promised to visit Holland before the end of August and I will try and get most of the Dutch cousins together again then.
I hate how my time in Europe is flying faster every day. I don't even want to know the date anymore. I don't want people to ask how long I'm staying anymore. I just want to live slowly every day. Oh, and with a bit more sunshine, please.
One of the things that warmed my weekend was feeling part of a big huggable family. Just having loving uncles around was a nice feeling too. Because here's the thing: I haven't had many loving men in my life. Fatherly types, I mean. You see, unfortunately my granddad on my Mum's side died when I was still very little. And I never really knew my grandparents on my father's side, or any of his family. My sister and I sent my father a father's day card hoping to get back in touch, but he informed us that he no longer has any feelings for us and that we should continue living our happy lives without him since we so obviously do not want him in our lives and haven't wanted him there for the last 30 odd years. Ouch. It's never been an easy relationship, always very strained and loaded with emotion, but this really was a blow to us. He mentioned that the wounds were too deep and he's been hurt too much. Of course, it's all been happy times for us. NOT. Of course we've got the same wounds and pain and it's rubbish that we've been fine without him, or have not wanted him in our lives. We've tried time and time again to have a relationship with him. I've invited him to both my Australian wedding and the Dutch one, neither of which he RSVP-ed to or attended. It's just not happening. I have given up and am moving on. It's breaking our hearts. But I rather have no relationship that one that constantly hurts me.
So despite it being lovely to see my uncles last weekend and getting warm tight hugs from them, it's also been a little torturous. Witnessing them lovingly interacting with their daughters. It always hurts. I do not have a Dad. I used to have a father but now he doesn't even want to be that. So, if you have a Dad, hug him. Appreciate him.
Thankfully, I have a very warm and loving husband who does everything in his power to make up for the lack of a Dad. He tucks me in when the blankets have slipped off me. He gets my warm slippers when it's cold. He even tells Dad jokes! I am very thankful that I do have him.
Anyway. I am going to be ok. I have a mother who's always been as much as a Dad as she possibly could have. She told me I once bought her a father's day gift and card and thanked her for being a father as well as a Mum. I can't remember doing it, but it's true that she has always tried.
I feel sad from time to time, but I think I've given that sadness a place in my life where I can cope with it. It'll never really be fine, but there is no point in letting it drag me down. The only thought that feels like a hand around my throat is thinking of the way I will one day find out that he is gone. A letter? A phone call? Some stranger informing me of the fact he's died sad and lonely is one of the things that I cannot bear to think of. So I rather not. Of course, I still do.
Sorry, I hope you don't feel all depressed now. It's just something I am dealing with right now. Writing helps. Here, let me tell you a lame joke or two that I learnt on the weekend, I was googling Star Wars jokes with the 7 year-old son of my cousin:
Q: How many Sith Lords does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they prefer it a little on the dark side.
Q: How many Star Wars characters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Lots, because many Hans make light work!
Heehee. I do like lame jokes. And I like chocolate. Chocolate makes me happy. Good coffee too. Belly laughs with my friends. Potato chips. Good book in bed while hearing the rain falling on the roof. Snoozing in the hammock on the deck in the warm afternoon sun. I have a whole bank of happiness to fall back upon when I feel sad. Every time I use one of the many amazing handy features of my iPhone or Mac, I feel a little spark of joy. Did you know, that when somebody emails you an invite to a party, with a click you can put in your diary, find the location on google maps and get directions there? Amazing.
I am going to eat some lovely Andijviestamp now (endive bake) with bacon bits and smoked Dutch sausage and my favourite gravy. Wintery food for a wintery day. Then, I am going to boogey my arse off at the gym with Sh'bam and Body Jam, which during the summer are both being taught by Kevin, gym instructor (+comedian) extraordinaire.
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