Death on my doorstep

Yeah, it's a bit of a morbid title, but it happens here in Elsendorp quite often. You see, we live next to the church in a tiny village full of old people. People die here, like the do everywhere else. But as it's such a small village, the funerals are always quite in your face and I find it a little unsettling to witness. After the church service, everybody walks with the coffin to the cemetery outside the village and across the big road, and the church bells chime until they reach the cemetery.

This morning's funeral was particularly sad, as it was a father in his late fourties, who had been battling with cancer. Mum and I were upstairs sorting out junk in the front room, when the church bells started chiming and Mum stood by the window. I looked too, and I found it very hard. So many people, walking down the street in tears, that coffin wobbling on its trolley, the children with their flowers. It really was heart wrenching and makes you think of how fragile our little lives can be. It was a lovely spring day today, and the sun was out. I saw a butterfly gallivanting about in our rose patch a little while later, when the bells had stopped chiming and we had continued our chores. I thought how everything just keeps going at a time when so many hearts are just visibly broken, and we keep doing what we're doing, butterflies keep fluttering. I wasn't sad, I accept that death is part of life, but I felt kind of guilty for just going about my business, knowing that there's no need for guilt. But there was a heavy feeling in my stomach and my throat felt thick. I am too young to just watch that and continue my chores without being totally emotional and feel such hurt for those people.

I vividly remember the funeral of my dear old grandma whom I still love very much and no matter how long and wonderful her life had been, I just felt so sad for all of us left behind. I know that people live on in your memory etcetera, but the feeling of having to let them go just hurts. It just friggin' hurts. And I was reminded of that today, right out my window. I was seeing that hurt in so many tears rolling into tissues and down cheeks, onto the road I drive on all the time. Such a big feeling. I remember writing about it before when I was staying here a few years ago, as I find it brings me so many emotions.

I would write about the rest of my day, which was really quite lovely, we drove to Lelystad (past Almere - so again imagine wind turbines and flat-flat-flat land, you can see very far) to attend my aunty's photography opening at a gallery, and how nice it was to see the country go by, to see her and my other relatives, but for some reason death just made a bigger impact today. And I am going to do the double whammy tomorrow (regretfully Body Jam with not be taught by spunky Kevin, alas, he only teaches Wednesdays) so I best get to bed. I will write about life again tomorrow.

G'nite. I'm going to think for a moment about those who aren't right here any more, but are still around somehow in our own hearts and minds. I do believe they manage to guide us or help us, not so much as spirits or whatever, but more by how they taught us to live and love our life. You cannot love someone and not take a part of them into your life. Even if you don't love them any more, or they have passed away, love's impressions stick forever. Thank goodness for that.